Burning
by thesiriusmoon
Summary: The people in the streets are still screaming, still shouting their joy to the heavens. Voldemort is gone. And all it cost was the world of one shabby werewolf. It was hardly a cost at all…


Burning

The moon hangs low tonight over the city

The colour of a blood orange

A portent of hate,

The same colour as the flames

Enveloping a man on his knees,

Reaching out to the masses

Around him - onlookers

Who do not see him,

His person,

His past,

Denying him his future in this

City over which the orange moon rises

Remus Lupin is burning. The air is literally searing his lungs, stealing his breath. He can feel the flames licking up his arms, wreathing above his head like a God twisted halo.

_James and Lily are dead. Sirius killed them._

He may not have cast the curse that snuffed out their life, but he killed them all the same. And it was his hand _(his gentle, familiar hand with its calluses and the tiny scar between his thumb and forefinger) _it was his hand that had cast the spell that killed Peter.

_All they found was a finger…_

The people in the streets are still screaming, still shouting their joy to the heavens. Voldemort is gone. And all it cost was the world of one shabby werewolf. It was hardly a cost at all…

He doesn't realize when he falls to his knees, doesn't recognize the arms reaching out as his own. But he does know he's crying, and his tears just seem to feed the flames. Somewhere far away someone is whispering "No, No, Please God no…" Remus wants to find them, to comfort them, but he can't see anything except the moon burning an orange hole in the sky.

"No… No… Please God… Why?"

***

"Can I open my eyes now?"

"Don't you dare!" Sirius increased his grip on Remus' arm and began steering him up the stairs. "Watch your step, and don't even think of peeking!"

Sirius guided Remus up three flights of stairs before stopping. Remus could hear him fumbling for something, followed by the sound of keys jangling in a lock. Then Sirius was guiding him over a threshold.

"Okay, open them."

Remus opened his eyes and smiled. The flat was small and bare, only a moth eaten sofa and milk crate in the center of the kitchen/living room. But it was light, huge windows overlooking Hyde Park. And most importantly, it was theirs.

"Do you like it?"

Sirius sounded nervous, as if he honestly thought Remus might disapprove.

"It's perfect." He turned and kissed Sirius on the nose.

"Knew you'd love it." Sirius spread his arms out.

"Can we afford this place?" Remus' smile faltered. What he really meant was, could _Sirius _afford this place. He had no illusions; his chances of getting and holding a job were virtually nil. He hated that Sirius was basically supporting him, but knew how insulted he would be if Remus ever brought it up.

"Course we can. Or, rather, Uncle Alphard can. Now come on!" He grabbed Remus' hand and began dragging him to the back of the flat. "I want to show you the bedroom."

***

Dumbledore found him about an hour later. He never said how, and Remus never asked. He didn't remember apparating out of the crowded street and into Hogesmede. He didn't remember the walk up to the school. He did remember a cup of tea being pressed into his frozen hands and Dumbledore's calm voice explaining what had happened. But Remus already knew all of that. Had heard it from a chatty witch and her friend on a street corner. Had heard it shouted all over London by delirious witches and wizards. He only really started paying attention when Dumbledore mentioned Harry.

"I've left him with his Aunt and Uncle. They're the only family he has left."

Remus' head shot up, fixing empty, bloodshot eyes on the Headmaster.

"I should take care of him." He didn't recognize his own voice. "It's what…" _James would have wanted._

"Remus." Dumbledore's voice was so gentle Remus wanted to scream. "You know the ministry would never let you have him."

"But…" Remus had nothing to say. He knew it was true. Entrust a baby to a werewolf and the known lover of a Death Eater? Oh God…

"I'm so sorry Remus."

Remus shook his head.

No. I understand." He stood. "Thank you Professor." He turned to go.

"Remus." Dumbledore's voice stopped him at the door. "Stay here tonight. There's always room for you at Hogwarts."

"No." Remus wouldn't, couldn't spend a minute longer at Hogwarts then he had to. It felt too much like home. "Thank you."

"Very well." Remus was in the corridor before the Headmaster spoke again. "Feel free to call on me anytime Remus. You are not alone."

Remus laughed as he rode the stairwell down. Of course he was alone. He would always be alone now.

***

"Jenga!" James whooped and threw his arms over his head, holding the wooden piece aloft.

"NOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo…" Sirius collapsed back in his chair.

"Jenga, jenga, jenga!" James had started a one man conga line, dancing around the table. Sirius had sunk so low that only his glossy black hair was visible over the table. Remus, highly amused, watched the chaos unfold.

"Lily!" James pounced on his Fiancé, who was just emerging from the bathroom. "I am king of Muggle Game Night!"

"Oi!" Sirius' eyes appeared. "You are not! Just because you won Jenga!"

"And Boggle!" James added smugly. "And Connect Four, and Sorry!"

The rest of Sirius vanished under the table.

"Don't forget Yahtzee," Remus added mildly.

"Traitor!" Sirius attacked Remus' legs.

"This is ace!" James proclaimed. "Every night should be Muggle Game Night!"

"No, it shouldn't" Sirius muttered mutinously.

"Don't be sore Pads! Just because I am the Grand Master of Everything…"

"You are not!" Sirius popped out from under the table cloth. "Moony won Twister!"

"Ta, Padfoot." Remus grinned.

Lily managed to steer James back to the couch.

"Where's Peter?" Lily settled against James' side and put her feet up on the coffee table.

"Shouldn't he be here by now?"

"He had to work late." Remus prodded Sirius with his toe. "Said he'd try to make it."

"He's always working late now," muttered Sirius from somewhere beneath the table.

"His old man is a real slave driver." James shrugged and snuggled closer to Lily. "Runs poor Wormy ragged."

They fell into a comfortable silence, broken only by the occasional 'oof' from Sirius as Remus prodded him.

"Do you have patrol this week?" Lily asked Remus.

"On Tuesday, with Marlene."

Lily raised an eyebrow,

"That's the fifth time this month."

Remus nodded.

"Dumbledore thinks we work well together."

Sirius mumbled something sour sounding.

"Don't be silly Sirius." Remus admonished.

"What?" James asked.

"Oh," Remus shook his head. "Sirius thinks Marlene and I spend too much time together."

"You do!" The table shook a little.

Remus shook his head but didn't answer. They had had this conversation before. James gave Lily a knowing look then yawned obviously.

"Well, I'm done in. Eh Lily?"

Lily rolled her eyes, but nodded.

"See you chaps later then." James kicked the table. "Bye Padfoot!"

Sirius shouted some nasty words at James as they flooed away. Remus stood for a moment, looking at the table, before shaking his head and walking over.

"Are you coming out Sirius?"

"…No."

"Okay then."

Remus got down on his hands and knees and crawled under the table. It was very warm down there and the table cloth made everything seem blue. Sirius was sitting in the center with his knees up to his chin.

"You're not really upset are you?"

Sirius shrugged.

"Sirius." Remus moved closer to him, "You know I have absolutely no interest in Marlene McKinnon right?"

Sirius shrugged again.

Remus sighed, then grabbed Sirius around the waist and stood up. The table flipped over and Remus threw an incredulous Sirius over his shoulder.

"Okay then."

He threw Sirius down on the couch and straddled him, affectively pinning Sirius down.

"There is not now," He gave Sirius a little shake, "Nor has there ever been, anything between Marlene and I." He growled a little. "And I can prove it."

He pulled Sirius' shirt off and tossed it behind the couch. Sirius grinned,

"You do know how to treat a girl," He muttered, batting his eyelashes. Remus growled again and began attacking his pants.

It didn't take long for their clothes to be scattered all over the living room and Remus was just starting a very entertaining game of 'catch the snitch' when he heard an alarmed squeak coming from the fireplace. He and Sirius turned as one. A very shell shocked Peter stood holding a tray of brownies.

"Um…" Peter gulped. "Did I miss Muggle Game Night?"

***

The ministry found him around midnight. He had been wandering Hyde Park, not really knowing where he was going, only knowing where certainly was not. There were four of them, and they hadn't even needed to sneak up on him. He wouldn't have heard them anyway. But he did feel when the ropes caught around his ankles and he went crashing to the ground.

"Remus Lupin, we're going to need you to come with us."

Remus didn't answer. He just stared up with empty eyes. One of the larger men lifted him by the armpits. He didn't resist.

"Come on then."

They aparated together, Remus squished between two of them. And then they were in the Ministry atrium, and that horrible statue was looming over him, mocking him with its sickening sweetness. And for the first time in a while Remus wanted to hurt something.

"Why am I here?" He rasped. But of course he knew why. Of course they would want to talk to him. To make sure he wasn't a part of it. The question was, would they believe him, no matter what he said.

"You're needed for questioning."

They left him in a room with no windows and only one door. Remus quickly discovered that it was reinforced with silver. He wasn't sure how long they left him in there, huddled against the back wall with nothing but his own dark thoughts. He almost welcomed it when the door creaked open.

"Lupin! Come with me!"

He followed the guard down a long hallway and into a small room. There was only one chair, a heavy wooden thing with chains around the arms. Remus was prodded none too gently into it and the manacles were quickly fastened. They weren't silver, for which he was slightly grateful.

"Remus Lupin. Where were you on the night of October 31st?"

Remus had to stifle a giggle. He wondered if the man knew how much he sounded like a muggle cliché.

"I was in Hyde Park."

"Do you have any witnesses to back up this story?"

"No, sir."

"How long were you in the park?"

"The entire night."

"What were you doing there."

"That's where I've been… sleeping."

"How long has that been the case?"

"Three weeks."

"Did you not live with one Sirius Black."

"I did."

"They why were you not at your flat?"

"We… had a falling out."

"Over what?"

"He… thought I was working for Voldemort."

"And why would he think that."

"I was… Away a lot. On business I couldn't talk about."

"Not even with your lover?"

"Not even."

"And what business would this be?"

"I'm afraid I am still not at liberty to say."

"That is not acceptable."

"I can't tell you."

There is a pause as the official rubs a hand over his eyes. He looks as tired as Remus feels.

"There are ways of making you tell me you know."

"I know."

"And yet you still refuse?"

"I am not at liberty to disclose the information."

"Whose business were you about?"

"Professor Dumbledore's."

"And if we asked him he could corroborate your story?"

"Yes sir."

"Very well. Have Dumbledore brought in and questioned separately about the werewolf's activities."

"Yes sir."

The guard left the room. The official pulled out his wand.

"Don't try anything funny."

"I wouldn't dream of it sir."

"Good. When was the last time you saw Lily and James Potter?"

"About two months ago, right before they went into hiding."

"And you knew Sirius Black was to be their secret keeper?"

"Yes sir."

"Did you have any suspicions about Black? Did he give you any reason to believe he would turn the Potters over to Voldemort?"

Remus choked back a sob.

"N…No sir. I would have said… I mean… He loved James like a brother. It's the last thing in the world he would have been capable of doing. He… He LOVED them. Loved Harry. Loved Lily. They, we, were the closest thing to a family he had."

"And yet he killed them. It seems you didn't know him as well as you thought."

"I guess not."

***

"Has anyone seen my cufflinks?"

James ran frantically though the living room, desperately searching under everything.

"You're wearing them James.

Sirius put out a hand and stopped James mid pace.

"And before you panic your jacket is on the chair, your shoes are on your feet, and Lily WILL be walking down the aisle in an hour. Now why don't you sit down and take a deep breath."

"Sit down?" James ran a hand through his hair, making Remus wince. It had taken them nearly half an hour and an entire tub of hair potion to get it to lay flat. "Sit down! Do you have any idea what is happening today? Lily, Lily EVANS, is marrying me. ME! LILY EVANS! How am I supposed to calm down?"

"We know James. It'll be fine! I promise!" Remus could hear the laughter is Sirius' voice.

"What if she changes her mind? Or comes to her senses? Or remembers how many times she swore she'd kiss a flobberworm before she'd kiss me? What if I say the wrong thing, or forget my vows, or the cake gets ruined, or I lose the rings or…"

"James!" Sirius put a hand on James' shoulder. "Everything will be fine. I swear. Lily has had over a year to remember that she hates you. It hasn't happened yet, has it? Just calm down."

James sank into a chair and put his head in his hands. Sirius nodded discretely toward the door. Remus nodded and slipped out, off to check on the bride.

Lily was nearly as agitated as James had been. Her mother was vainly trying to get her to stop fiddling with the flowers in her hair and leave her veil alone. She smiled when Remus entered though and quickly left to find Lily something blue.

"Don't tell me Lily Evans is nervous?"

Lily's hands dropped into her lap and she smiled.

"Is it that obvious?"

He sat down next to her, reached up and tucked a stray strand behind her ear.

"Only to me."

She smiled at him, a radiant smile Remus recognized from years of friendship.

"I just can't believe I'm actually doing this." She laughed, slightly madly.

"Don't let James hear you say that. His brain might explode."

Lily fiddled with her bracelet for a second.

"Do you think I'm doing the right thing?"

For an instant Remus had the horrifying image of James hanging himself from a quidditch hoop.

"You're not having doubts, are you?"

"No! Of course not!" she rubbed at her nose. "But..." Remus held his breath. "What if I'm not cut out for this?" Lily stood up and began pacing. "What if I mess it up? What if James wakes up one morning and realizes that I'm completely insane? What if…"

"Lily." Remus reached out and touched her shoulder. "James has been in love with you since you were eleven years old. Did you know that he turned down eighteen different girls for the Yule Ball just so he could watch you serve punch? There is nothing in this world you could do to make him stop loving you."

"Oh Remus." Lily pulled him into a hug. "You always know exactly what to say."

Remus put the last of the flowers in her hair and smiled.

"You look beautiful. Now go on, I think someone is waiting for you."

Remus slid into a pew next to Peter at the front of the church.

"There you are mate. Thought you weren't going to make it." Peter seemed nervous, his hands twitching in his lap. Remus grinned at him.

"Wouldn't miss this for the world! I just had a bride to calm down."

Peter nodded.

"You know, I used to think that you and Lily would end up together. You were always so close in school."

Remus looked up at where Sirius was whispering something in James' ear, clearly trying to calm him down. He was wearing an immaculately pressed tux and his glossy black hair shone in the candle light. James was fiddling with his cummerbund. Suddenly the music started playing and Lily began walking down the aisle, more beautiful than anything Remus had ever seen. James looked completely gob smacked and Sirius beamed, his entire face lighting up.

"No." Remus whispered. "This is exactly the way things are supposed to be."

James and Lily whirled across the dance floor, Lily's long red hair streaming behind her. James kept glancing down into her smiling face, as if he couldn't believe she was actually here with him. Lily, for her part, looked radiant. Her face was glowing with happiness and she hadn't stopped smiling since she said "I do."

'They're perfect together." Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus' waist and squeezed.

"Perfect," Remus whispered, tilting his head back and kissing him.

"I wish…" He trailed off and squeezed Remus tighter.

"You old softie." Remus chuckled. "Who knew the great Sirius Black would ever get maudlin at a wedding."

Sirius mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like 'silly.'

"Sirius." Remus turned and looked into his eyes. "You know I love you, right?"

Sirius smiled.

"Course"

"Good." Remus nodded, then glanced around to make sure no one was close by before dropping to one knee. "Sirius Black, would you marry me?"

Sirius stared at him in bemusement.

"What?..."

"I'm serious."

"No. I'm Si…"

"Don't you dare."

"Sorry."

Remus stood up and tangled his fingers in Sirius' hair.

"Look. I know that we can never really get married. I know that. But I also know that I love you, and there isn't anyone in this world I would rather spend my life with. So would you? Marry me?"

Sirius kissed him then, sweet and gentle and passionate all at the same time.

"I do." He whispered, and kissed him again. Then he laughed. "Look at us. A right pair of poofs we are, getting all sappy at a wedding."

"Shut up and dance with me you nonce."

They danced under the fairy lights, the sound of Lily's laughter in their ears.

***

Remus spent the next week standing around Private Drive, trying to catch a glimpse of Harry. He saw a lot of a loud, fat baby who never stopped crying, but of the messy haired infant there was almost no sign.

He finally caught a glimpse of him on a Friday afternoon, being pushed in a stroller by Lily's horsefaced sister. The fat baby nearly concealed him completely.

He was almost exactly the way Remus remembered him. His hair was still pitch black and standing up every which way. But there was an ugly scar on his forehead now and instead of the soft, warm jumpers and knitted hats Lily had so lovingly picked for him he wore some horrible, oversized shirts that looked like they hadn't been cleaned in ages. The Harry he remembered was always smiling and cooing. This new Harry was crying softly as the horrible woman who was supposed to love him pretended he wasn't there.

Anger bubbled slowly up from Remus' gut and before he knew what he was doing he had stormed over and snatched the crying child out of the stroller, mute to the outraged cries of anger coming from Petunia.

"It's all right love." Remus whispered, rocking Harry back and forth. He still had the same wonderful baby smell and Remus felt a rogue tear roll down his cheek. "It's okay. Uncle Moony's here."

Harry stopped fussing and reached out a chubby fist to grab Remus' nose.

"Unc Moo!" The little boy laughed and grabbed his hair. "Unc Moo!"

"That's right buddy. It's Uncle Moony. And I won't leave you alone again."

"Just who the hell do you think you are!" Petunia hit Remus over the head with her handbag, breaking him out of his reverie. "How dare you touch my nephew!"

Remus snarled, turning to face her.

"Nephew? How dare you call him that!" All the helpless rage Remus had been feeling was directed at the woman who made Harry cry. He felt the wolf rise to the surface, and for once he didn't try to stop it. It shone in his eyes, all hate and feral anger. "You have no right call him anything!"

Petunia took a step back, clearly frightened. But she didn't back down. Instead she squared her shoulders and matched him glare for glare.

"You give him back to me this instant or I will call the police!"

For an instant Remus almost hexed her. But he managed to rein himself in as Harry began to cry again. He began rocking him back and forth, whispering into his hair.

"No, no. Shh. I'm not angry with you. Shhh. It's all right buddy."

Petunia seemed to take this as submission and took a step toward him.

"Get away from my family you animal!"

Harry was cooing now, playing with Remus' sweater. His anger drained away, leaving him feeling old and sad.

"All right" he whispered. "All right."

He gently placed the baby back in the stroller. Harry screamed and held out his arms demandingly. Remus knelt down beside him.

"I'm sorry love. I'm so sorry." He kissed Harry on the forehead then turned to face Petunia. "Please, I'm sorry I frightened you. But you have to let me see him. Please. Even just once a week." His voice caught. "He's all I have left."

Petunia was shaking now. She had snatched her own baby up and was rocking him as he howled.

"How dare you? Do you think I don't remember who you are? What you are? I'm not having that unnaturalness anywhere near my family! If I ever see you anywhere near my house again I will have you arrested!"

Remus sagged and backed slowly away.

"Alright. Okay. Just… Please. Take care of him. Please."

"Get out!"

Remus turned to go, feeling empty.

"Unc Moo! Unc Moo! Padf't!"

Remus heart shattered into a million tiny pieces as he slowly walked away, Harry's tiny voice following him long after he had disapparated.

***

Remus walked slowly into the forest, keeping an eye out for movement. Somewhere out there Fenrir Greyback was hiding with a group of rogue werewolves. Dumbledore has approached him last week about going on this particular mission. Remus had agreed readily enough, he knew how important it was to get support from the other magical communities. The only thing that didn't sit right with him was the need for absolute secrecy.

"_No one can know about this Remus, not even your friends. We know there is a leak somewhere and if the Death Eaters find out what you are doing then your life is forfeit. You must swear not to tell a soul."_

"_But I trust my friends with my life!"_

"_That is not the issue here. If even one word of this slips then it is all for naught. The fewer people who know where you are the better."_

"_But what will I tell Sirius?"  
_

"_Just tell him you are on business for me. That should be enough for him"_

So here he was, walking through the forest. Sirius didn't even know he was gone. He'd left a note, but knew Sirius would be angry when he got home.

_Focus on the task at hand Remus. Namely, the pack of angry werewolves who would happily disembowel you if they knew who you were working for…_

The woods were getting quieter the farther in he got, and Remus took that as a good sign. All sensible animals would know to keep it down around a group that dangerous.

"Who are you?"

Remus nearly jumped out of his skin as the deep voice broke the silence. God, he hadn't even heard anyone come up behind him! Which, with his sensitive hearing, was a real feat. He turned around, hands palm outward in submission, and faced the stranger. The man was feral looking, long salt and pepper hair hanging lank around his face. His clothing was more a suggestion than actual coverage and he had a wild bush of beard that covered a face that could have been thirty or three hundred. This was a man who had not lived among humans in a long time.

"My name is Remus Lupin. I'm looking for Fenrir Greyback."

The man's eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"What do you want with him?" He lips were curled in disdain, taking in Remus' worn jumper and tan trousers. Shabby he might be, but he bore the unmistakable look of someone who had access to a shower and laundry facilities. This may be harder than he had thought.

"I just want to talk to him. I have an offer I need to extend."

The man gave him another shifty look, then nodded.

"This way."

He headed deeper into the forest, making almost no sound at all. In comparison Remus felt like a clod. Every twig that cracked beneath his feet seemed as loud as a gunshot. The man kept glaring at him. They finally reached a small clearing and the man put his hand on Remus' chest.

"Wait here."

He vanished once again into the forest and Remus tried his best not to fidget. He didn't want to convey any sign of weakness.

_That would be easier if my hands stopped shaking…_

"Remus Lupin." Remus nearly jumped out of his skin for the second time in twenty minutes. "I wondered when you would come to me." A tall, fierce looking man stepped out of the trees and began scrutinizing him. His eyes were a deep amber and his hair had probably be blonde once. Now it was a filthy mix of muddy browns and a strange reddish color Remus couldn't identify. He was wearing a filthy old wizards robe.

"Ah, but you must not remember my face. You were so very small last time we met. I am Fenrir Greyback."

Remus nodded tightly.

"I remember."

"Do you? Excellent!" He came closer and laid a giant hand on Remus' shoulder. "So few of my children make it to adulthood." He looked Remus up and down. "I must say, you are hardly what I expected."

The sound of laughter erupted all around him as werewolves melted out of the trees. There were about twenty of them, both male and female. There were a few small children who came to stare at him, eyes wide with canine fascination. One even went so far as to sniff his hand.

"He smells different Papa Greyback." Said the littlest one, running and hiding behind Greybacks knees.

"That is because he left us Jamil. He lived among humans, turning his back on his own kind." Some of the werewolves snarled at him.

"I have a message!" Remus blurted out, slightly desperately. If they decided to turn on him he didn't stand a chance.

"A message? What is it."

"Dumbledore says you do not have to live like wild things. He invites all werewolves to come and live as equals and help us in our fight to bring down Voldemort!"

Fenrir began laughing. One of the ragged females came forward.

"We are never welcome among humans. None of our kind are."

"I was!" Remus held out his wand. "I was even able to go to school. Dumbledore gave me that. And he can give it to you too! And to your children!"

Greyback stepped up to him, breathing in his face.

"Why should we help that old fool. What has he ever done for us?" Remus opened his mouth to reply, but Greyback held up a hand to silence him. "Say what you like Remus, but our kind are never welcome among humans. Not really." He looked Remus up and down. "Not even you."

Remus felt his heart sink. He was going to fail.

"Stay with us." Greyback suddenly announced. "Prove to us that your loyalty is to your own kind, and not these pathetic humans, and perhaps we shall change our minds." He began to laugh again and Remus felt chills running up and down his spine. It seemed like he wouldn't be home tonight…

***

He knew he wasn't meant to be here. But it didn't matter that he could be arrested, it didn't matter that Dumbledore had all but forbidden him from seeing the boy. All that mattered was the messy haired child walking down the platform alone.

He looked exactly like James. In fact, the resemblance was so startling that Remus had to forcefully stop himself from screaming his name. Because it wasn't James, it was Harry. The little boy he hadn't properly seen in ten years. The little boy he had failed. Just like he failed everyone else in his life.

He knew he was getting some very strange looks, but didn't blame anyone. He knew he must cut a very swarthy figure. He hadn't bought new clothing in nearly six years, and the faded trousers and jumper he wore were more patches than fabric. He was wearing his cloak, since he had never been able to afford a muggle jacket, and dock martins that had seen far better days.

What Remus didn't realize was that it wasn't his clothing that made people look at him with caution. It was his eyes. Remus was staring at Harry like a starving man, drinking in the sight of him, not knowing if he'd ever see him again. He looked more than a little crazed.

Harry stopped outside the barrier to the platform, looking confused. Remus inwardly cursed. Damn those muggles for just leaving him here! But then he had a thought, a wonderful, amazing thought. He, Remus, could tell Harry how to get onto the platform. He wouldn't have to reveal who he was, he wouldn't have to break his word to Dumbledore, but he could talk to the boy. Help him. Maybe see him smile.

Remus squared his shoulders and moved toward him.

"All right there you."

A burly security guard blocked his way.

"Excuse me." Remus muttered, trying to push by.

"Not so fast. Just where do you think you're going?"

"I was just… Uh…"

"Do you plan on riding one of these trains?"

"Well… No."

"And are you meeting anyone here?"

"No."

"Then I suggest you move along son. We don't want any trouble here."

The guard gripped Remus' jumper and began to haul him outside. Remus twisted around and glanced back, but Harry was already gone.

***

Remus stumbled into the flat around midnight. Every inch of him ached and he wanted nothing more than to just crawl into bed and never come out…

"Well. You're home."

Sirius was standing in the kitchen door wearing nothing but his pants. He looked tired, there were dark circles under his eyes. Remus thought he had never been so glad to see anyone in his entire life.

"Sirius." He stumbled over and hugged him, but Sirius pulled back. "Sirius?"

"Where have you been?"

"I… I told you."

"No. You didn't. You left me a note. A fucking _note _saying you had to do something for Dumbledore. You didn't even say when you'd be back!" Sirius ran a hand through his hair. "Fuck Moony, it's been three days! Do you have any idea how _worried _I've been! And Dumbledore wouldn't tell me a damn thing…"

"I'm sorry." Remus' tired voice seemed to cut through Sirius' tirade. "I'm so sorry Sirius. I just… Didn't know what to say."

Sirius seemed to deflate, all the anger draining out of him.

"Just… Please. Just tell me where you've been."

"I can't."

Sirius looked like he wanted to start shouting again, and Remus held up a hand.

"I want to tell you! God knows I do! I just… I can't! Dumbledore made me swear!"

"Since when have we ever done what Dumbledore wanted?"

"I'm so sorry Sirius." Remus stumbled slightly, suddenly light headed. Sirius caught him immediately, his face radiating concern.

"Are you alright? Are you hurt?"

"No." Remus shook his head, but stopped quickly. It made the world spin alarmingly. "I'm just… Very very tired."

Sirius took him about the waist and began steering him toward their bedroom.

"Have you slept at all since you left?"

"Not really." Remus was finding it hard to focus. He knew he should be apologizing, down on one knee if need be. But he was just so _tired. _Next thing he knew Sirius was tucking him into bed.

"Don't think you're off the hook." Sirius voice was gruff as he smoothed the covers. "We _will _talk about this."

"I'm so sorry," Remus whispered, already more than half asleep. "I love you.'

"I… Love you too."

***

It was strange being back at Hogwarts. No, strange wasn't the right word. Bloody horrible. Yes, that was better. Every inch of this school was just so… full. He expected to see James and Peter around every corner. And Sirius was here. He was in the walls, in the floors, in every classroom. It was impossible to escape him in this place. And Remus honestly couldn't tell how he felt about that.

_And he's free. He's gotten out of Azkaban and is looking for Harry…_

Part of him had never really been able to reconcile the laughing boy he had loved with the murderer who kept laughing up out of the paper. They couldn't be the same person. His Sirius was young and beautiful and carefully preserved in a locked corner of Remus' mind. His Sirius wasn't wild eyed and dirty. His Sirius hadn't killed everyone he had ever loved…

And then there was Harry. Remus wanted nothing more than to take the boy in his arms and promise him everything would be okay… But he had given up that privilege long ago. Now all he could do was encourage the boy. Guide him. Remus didn't think he'd ever been as proud of anyone in his life.

He glanced down at the Marauders Map that he had open on his desk and his heart stopped. There, running toward the Shack. But it couldn't be… Peter was dead! Sirius had killed him! But the map, the map never lied. And if that really was Peter, and _oh God _there was Sirius, and if that _was _Peter then it meant. It meant that…

_Everything had been a lie. And Sirius rotted in Azkaban for twelve years and I didn't do a Damn thing to help him…_

Remus didn't even realize he had moved till he was in the entrance hall, running faster than he ever had in his life. Because Sirius was there. _His _Sirius. And every horrible hope that he had refused to admit to came rushing back. He could fix this. He could make this better. Because Sirius was right there.

***

The wreckage was still smoldering when Remus arrived, hair wild and eyes darting every-which-way. There were five Order members there already, poking through the rubble that had once been the McKinnon household. There were five bodies laid out carefully on the side-walk…

_No. Oh God no! Marlene…_

Marlene, Mr. and Mrs. McKinnon, and Marlene's two younger sisters looked like they could be sleeping. There wasn't a mark on them. But their eyes were all wide and scared. They had seen their death swooping down on them in a flash of green light… Remus felt suddenly nauseas. He covered his face with his hands and tried not to break down. If only he could have gotten here sooner…

"Lupin."

Remus slowly lifted his head. Moody was there, staring down at him with that eye of his. Remus always thought it could see right through him…

"Moody."

"You're a little late."

The paralyzing guilt welled up within him and Remus chocked.

"I know." He whispered. "God, I know…"

"Where were you?"

"I couldn't get away…"

He had been running through the woods with Fenrir Greyback, trying to prove that he was, in fact, a monster. When Marlene's Patronus had appeared Greyback had almost killed him right then and there. He hadn't been able to get away for more than an hour.

"Couldn't get away. Really. And just where couldn't you get away from while your PARTNER was fighting for her life?"

"I… I can't say…"

Moody looked disgusted.

"Get out of here Lupin. We can finish this without you."

Remus knew when he was being dismissed. He stumbled away and aparated as soon as he was outside the wards.

The flat was dark, but it was 2am, Sirius was most likely asleep. That had been happening a lot lately. It didn't seem to matter when he got home, Sirius was asleep. Or still out. Or taking a bath. Remus hadn't actually spoken more than two words to him in over three weeks. Ever since he started these missions for Dumbledore. The only times he ever felt close to him was when Sirius was asleep. Then Remus could curl up against him and pretend things were still okay…

Remus pushed the bedroom door open, but paused on the threshold. Sirius was sitting on the windowsill, pale skin bathed in moonlight.

"Marlene McKinnon is dead." He said, not turning to face him.

"I know," Remus whispered. Sirius' voice sounded dead. It was one of the most terrifying things Remus had ever heard.

"I thought you might have." Sirius still didn't turn around. "Considering you were supposed to be guarding her house tonight."

"I couldn't get away…" It sounded lame even to him.

"Oh yes. Your 'super secret missions.' How could I forget."

Sirius did turn around then, and Remus instantly wished he hadn't. It was like Sirius wasn't really there. His face was a cold mask, betraying no emotion. Remus had always been able to read Sirius like a book. Now there was nothing.

"You know Dumbledore made me promise…"

"WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP LYING TO ME!"

Sirius was standing now, his eyes bright and his face twisted with anger.

"First James and Lily get attacked, now Marlene is dead… Everyone knows there's a spy in the order."

Remus felt his heart plummet. Sirius couldn't really think...

"And I've been trying and trying to explain it away. To make excuses. But there are none. Not anymore."

"Sirius… I…"

"SAVE IT!" Sirius laughed, a low, inhuman sound. "There's no point pretending anymore. Peter saw you."

"What?"

"Peter. He saw you, talking with Macnair."

Oh no... Walden Macnair. He worked with the department for the regulation and control of magical creatures. He was also a known death eater. Remus had used him to get in contact with Greyback…

"It's not what you think…"

"Then what is it!" Sirius almost sounded like he was begging, desperate for there to be some good reason for everything that had been going wrong lately. "Tell me."

Remus faltered, wanting nothing more than to just spill everything right then and there. But he was so close, the pack and finally begun to accept him. And he had promised Dumbledore.

"I can't." Remus whispered.

It was as if someone had punched Sirius in the gut. His entire body deflated, that horrible blank look came back over his face.

"Okay." He walked over to the corner of the room. "I had hoped… But no." He lifted a worn carpet bag and threw it at Remus' feet. "All your things are in there. Don't come back. Ever."

Sirius turned and sat back at the window.

Remus lifted the bag, his entire body trembling. He slowly made his way to the door.

"I'm sorry." He whispered. There was no answer.

***

Sirius was asleep on the couch, his dark head resting against the worn arm. Remus carefully draped a moth eaten blanket over him and smoothed his bangs away from his face. Sirius looked better than he had when he first arrived, but he was still worryingly thin. His face had a little more color now but it was still drawn and gaunt. He didn't think he'd seen Sirius smile once since he showed up on the door step, dripping wet, and saying that Voldemort had returned.

Voldemort. It had always just been a matter of time. Remus had known this was coming for a long time now. But to hear it out loud, to know for a fact that he had returned and that Harry was right in the middle of it… It wasn't right. That poor boy had suffered enough already.

Sirius whimpered in his sleep and Remus moved back to his side, running a comforting hand through his hair. His sleep never seemed restful. It was as if all the demons that he denied during the day came back to haunt him the instant his head touched the pillow. Remus had taken to sharing the bed with him just too able to soothe him in the middle of the night.

It had been two weeks, two weeks since Sirius had arrived at the cottage. Over a year since they had seen each other. Over thirteen years since they had been in love. Seeing Sirius again, having him so close, Remus couldn't deny the way he felt. He had never really moved on. He had tried, there had been others from time to time, but they had never lasted more than a few days. It had only ever been Sirius.

But Sirius didn't seem interested in renewing that part of their relationship, and Remus couldn't really blame him. Remus had, after all, left him to rot in Azkaban for twelve years. It was his lies that had driven them apart. He didn't deserve Sirius. But he couldn't help bending down to kiss his pale forehead.

Sirius' eyes flickered open.

"Moony…"

Remus blushed, caught. He began to pull back, but Sirius reached a thin hand out and stopped him. He laced his fingers in Remus' hair, now more grey than sandy, and pulled him down slowly. The kiss was awkward, tentative and unsure. But after a moment they both seemed to remember. They had done this a thousand times, and even after all these years they still fit together perfectly.

Remus would look back on the next few weeks as some of the happiest of his life.

***

There were no lights on at the flat. The windows were resolutely dark, no matter how long Remus stared at them, and he had been staring for a long time. The night was bitterly cold and Remus' threadbare jacket did little to keep out the winds creeping fingers. He wrapped his arms around his knees in an attempt to conserve warmth and sighed. Hyde park was practically empty at this time of night. It was a good thing, as far as Remus was concerned. There was really only one person he wanted to see, and he was....

_Somewhere far away from me._

Maybe he was with Lily, James, and Harry. Harry, who must be walking by now. Remus would probably never see them again...

_No! Somehow I'll make this right. Someday this will be over, and I can tell Sirius what I've been doing, and we'll find the real traitor, and James can come out of hiding, and everything will be the way it was before..._

Remus scrubbed a hand across his face, trying to clear his head. He was exhausted, but the thought of sleeping on this park bench was not very appealing. He would have to get up, to find somewhere more sheltered to spend the night. But if he left then he might miss the moment when the lights finally turned on.

_Remus, you've reached new heights of pathetic._

There were voices in the dark now, some happy couple out on a moonlit stroll. Moonlit... Two days before the full moon. Two days before he had to go back to Greyback. Two days before he had to run and howl and prove that he was, in fact, a monster.

The couple walked past him, the woman sniffing disdainfully. Her boyfriend threw something into the bin beside Remus and it took all his self control not to pounce on it before they were out of sight. Half of a hotdog and some soggy chips. He ate them as slowly as he could, trying to make them last. He finished the last bites and threw the wrappers away.

The first time he had eaten out of the bin he had cried. But after a few days he had stopped caring, or at least stopped thinking about it. It was much easier that way.

The lights came on in the flat, and Remus stood slowly. It was time to go, find someplace relatively warm to spend the night_. _He took one last, long, look at the lights before he began walking away.

"Goodnight Padfoot."

***

"Have you seen my trousers?"

"I seem to recall ripping them off you in a fit of passion…" Sirius grinned from his cocoon of blankets and Remus searched the messy bedroom floor.

"Which, I'll admit, was quite fun. But I can't go on patrol without trousers!"

Sirius's face, which only seconds before had been animated and mischevious, fell into a blank. It was a look Remus had been seeing far too much of lately. Whenever Remus mentioned anything about the Order or the War…He cursed himself for his carelessness. He knew how much Sirius hated being stuck in here.

"Hey." He settled himself onto the bed and pulled Sirius in for a kiss. "Voldemort can't stay in hiding forever. And as soon as he's out in the open then we can clear your name. It's only a matter of time…"

"Time." The word was bitter, more spat then said. "Bloody, fucking TIME! 'Just wait Sirius,' 'Any day now Sirius.' I'm so fucking _sick _of it!"

"I know…"

"No! You don't!" Sirius sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I… I _hate it _here! It's like I'm fifteen again and trapped. I spent my entire youth trying to escape this house, and now I can't fucking leave! While you go out and risk your life every day… And what am I doing? Making sure there's always soup on the stove!"

"Sirius…"

"NO! Don't tell me to be patient! Don't you fucking tell me that!"

Remus sighed. He knew there was nothing he could do, but he hated seeing Sirius like this. It was like this house was sucking out his soul.

"I know you hate it." He whispered. "I know that. But please don't go get yourself killed. I couldn't bear to lose you again."

Sirius pulled him into a fierce embrace.

"If it weren't for you I'd have gone mad a long time ago…"

There was a pounding on their door and Severus Snape burst in. He took one casual glance at their state of undress before saying

"Harry has gone to the Ministry looking for you."

***

"There, that one right there. What do you think?"

"It looks like… A camel."

"A camel?"

"Yeah. See? There's the hump, there's the head…"

"Oh yeah! I see it now."

Sirius sighed and nuzzled Remus' neck.

"What about that one?"

Remus stares up at the ceiling, deep in thought.

"Mermaid?"

"I don't see it…"

"Look. See her fins?"

"Oh yeah…"

They lapsed into a comfortable silence, Remus using Sirius' bare chest as a pillow.

"Remind me why we're playing this game with ceiling stains instead of going outside?

"Because then we would have to get out of bed." Sirius bites Remus' shoulder and laughs.

"Oh yeah."

Remus has always loved silence. But silence with Sirius is probably the best kind. It's as if they know each other so well that they no longer need to speak. They can simply, exist. Together. It's probably the one perfect thing in his life.

"Oi. You." Remus turns to find Sirius grinning at him wickedly. Remus knows that look. And loves it. "C'mere."

It's going to be a beautiful Sunday.

"God…" Remus slumps back, blissful, as Sirius lies panting beside him.

"You always say that."

"What?"

Sirius pushes himself up on one elbow.

"God. I know your father was a muggle, but you've never seemed religious…"

"No." Remus shook his head slowly. "Not so much… Religious I guess."

"But you do believe in God?"

Remus had never talked to anyone about this. It had just always seemed so personal… But this was Sirius, and there wasn't a single part of himself that Remus wasn't willing to share.

"Yes. I do."

"Really?" Sirius looked honestly perplexed. "Even with…" His hand found the original bite on Remus' hip.

"Especially with that." He turned so he was facing his friend. "I've always believed that there's… something. Out there. That everything that happens is for a reason. And the hardships we face in this life are simply stepping stones. We need them, they help us grow. And as long as we try our best to be good people then something better is waiting for us in the next life."

"The next life? As in, like, heaven? With halos and clouds and all?"

"No. I've never thought it would be like that."

"Then what?"

"I don't know. I don't think it's possible for us to know. It's like… Before we're born all we know is our mother's womb. We can hear sounds, but we don't know what they mean. And we have no concept of the world outside. How can we? We don't have the ability to comprehend. I think this life is the same. How can we know what comes next, when it will have no reference to anything we'd understand?"

Sirius frowned slightly, chewing on his lower lip.

"I never knew you thought about these things."

Remus shrugged.

"It's not something I really talk about. It's just… It's nice to think that the next life will be better. You know?"

"Yeah." Sirius began tracing patterns on Remus' skin. "I didn't know you were that unhappy."

"I'm not!" Remus sat up, surprised. "God, Sirius, I've never been happier. Ever. This, here, you. This is the best thing that has ever happened to me."

"Really?"

"Of course you daft mutt."

Sirius sighed and lay back down. The comfortable silence once again descended on the room.

"Do you think we'll be together? In the next life?" His voice was soft, almost as if he didn't want Remus to hear.

"Of course. Otherwise it wouldn't be Heaven."

***

Remus Lupin is burning. Time is literally standing still and all Remus can feel are the flames. All he can see is the veil. Flapping in the wind.

He knows he's saying something, he can hear his voice shouting at Harry. He knows his arms are around the boy. And then, suddenly, they aren't anymore. He knows he should look, knows he needs to find him, but all he can do is stand there.

Sirius is gone.

The flames have surrounded him, and he welcomes them. He needs to feel their pain. Because Sirius can't be gone. Not now. Not after everything….

The people in the room are still screaming. Something about Voldemort, and Harry Potter. Someone is pulling on his arm. Someone with a worried face and pink hair. He allows himself to be led out of the room, down the hall, into the destroyed Atrium. Dumbledore is there, and Harry, and the Minister. He can't seem to understand anything they're saying.

All he knows is that Sirius is gone. Lost. And this time he will not be coming back.

_No… No… Please God… Why?_


End file.
